wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
