So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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