Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
