Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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