I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
