So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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