Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
splinters make it hard to masturbate
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sorry my hands just texted you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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