i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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