I want to have your abortion
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize