My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize