Pregnant stripper...not hot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
