i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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