i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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