What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
