they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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