I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
