Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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