My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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