God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
