How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
