Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
