At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
