i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
