Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize