We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
