like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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