Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
