Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
