Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
