chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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