party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
