Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
