Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my phone needs a breathalizer
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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