Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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