You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
