ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
