Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
