did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Randomize
