Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
