today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize