Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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