Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
