I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
