Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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