Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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