Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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