you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
