In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
