Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
