The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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