Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
