im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
