I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
