she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
