that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
