there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
bring money and cleavage
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
