how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
