I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
someone owes me an orgasm
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
